Guilt

I fought to carry Little bear to 42 weeks against my OB’s advice. My first son had been a planned c-section and I wanted Little bear to be “natural” and “come when he was ready.” Little bear was never ready. He was finally induced at 41 weeks, 6 days and was born 33 hours later. Ever since his diagnosis, I’ve wondered if my bad pregnancy decision affected his outcome.

The neurologist told me no, it doesn’t seem so. He told me if he was born pink and crying with no signs of oxygen deprivation, if I had regular BPPs, if he was a normal weight, and there was no mention of placental inefficiency, I did nothing to hurt my child. Yet, I wonder. I want to go back and be induced on my due date. I want to know if it would change this pain our family is going through.

My husband needed some time alone last night to think and read. He went onto the CDC’s website and austismspeaks.org to read more about the disorder. He came back to me an hour later and said, “I think I might be autistic. What I’m reading sounds so much like me.”

My husband has told me often that he can’t remember his childhood or any unpleasant event from his life. He said it’s not a normal, “I don’t want to remember,” situation: He literally cannot recall his past and it caused him a lot of pain when his father passed away four years ago.

He has the ability to block out the world when he concentrates on something. He can easily go twelve, sixteen hours by himself working on a project without coming out to eat or drink. He is passionate, dedicated, and impossible to stop when he has something in his mind.

He has never been popular. He has “friends,” but he really wouldn’t be very bothered if he never saw any of them again. I was his first and only serious relationship. He’s the type of person who walks in a room and automatically assigns “roles” to people rather than deciding if he likes people or not. People are there for reasons, rather than relationships in his mind.

I told my husband, “If being autistic means that our little boy can be exactly like you, then I’m thrilled at the prospect.” Because there is nobody I love and admire more than my husband.

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