Music

I suffered from depression as a pre-teen and teenager and my only way of breaking through was musicals. I was completely absorbed by them. Sondheim was life. Jerry Herman was happiness. I made a sort of soundtrack to my life using songs from shows. Every single important moment that has happened to me has a matching song – no lie. I even had a breakup song broken up for the inevitable end of my relationship with my now-husband. Luckily, I never needed it.

Not to diminish the pain of parents who have lost a child, but this is the song that has resonated most with me as we’ve dealt with Little’s diagnosis. My husband and I haven’t talked about the diagnosis with many people. He just told his mother for the first time today and she hung up on him and cried for a half hour before calling him back. We’ve been very private about our pain. My only outlets have been this blog and two friends that I’m in a group chat with on Facebook. I have no energy to discuss it daily with my real-life friends or even my family beyond my mother and sister. So I keep to myself. I take walks. I cry silently. I cry out loud. And I hold my boys as though they were slipping from my grasp.

There are moments that the words don’t reach.

There is suffering too terrible to name.

You hold your child as tight as you can

And push away the unimaginable

….

I spend hours in the garden

I was alone to the store

And it’s quiet uptown.

I never liked the quiet before.

I take the children to church on Sunday. A sign of the cross at the door.

And I pray

That never used to happen before.

 

If you see him on the street, walking by himself, talking to himself, have pity…

He is working through the unimaginable.

 

There are moments that the words don’t reach.

There is a grace too powerful to name.

We push away what we can never understand.

We push away the unimaginable.

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Author: goldilocksbabybear

A mother dealing with the struggles of finding out her child is autistic.

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